Fallen Panda

The Elephant in the room...

2011-05-27T15:21:00.001+01:00

"If you have an infinite number of rooms with an infinite number of elephants, you're more than likely going to get trampled to shit"
Some dude, 2011

Sometimes I think I only post in this when I have some weird big change in my life. But anyway, that's a different story altogether then what I want to post about....

The Elephant in the room.

Now there's two perspectives I want to talk about this from. The first is the obvious one, what is the elephant in the room? I find it's always a pretty interesting situation. There's something that everyone involved knows about, in fact most of the time are happy to acknowledge something is there, but still it mainly gets ignored. It's bit of a double edged sword really (I love that phrase), on one side, when the 'elephant' is something positive or at least could be something positive if it was talked about, it can be kind of enjoyable to see how it progresses, to see when someone finally gives in and accepts the elephant, or if you want another analogy, when the people involved finally adopt the elephant. (Though it's possible I'm the only person who has ever referred to it that way) So say you have two people, and there's an elephant in the room. Both people could never mention the fact the elephant in the room which would be like neglecting the elephant and undoubtedly, the elephant would eventually die, which isn't great really and will usually lead to regret if the elephant could have been something positive. One of the great things about that phrase comes when both people recognize there's an elephant in the room and are even quite happy to acknowledge the fact the elephant is there, even if they're not going to say what exactly the elephant is even though both parties know exactly what it is. I consider that being something along the lines of, seeing the elephant, and taking care of it to see what it grows into. Eventually though, the elephant isn't going to survive on recognition alone, eventually either one of the two people will have to put down the elephant or both people will have to adopt the elephant. I think it can be a fun thing to see the progression from spotting the elephant to adopting or disowning it. So that's the first thing I like about the elephant in the room. You know it's there, you know in reality it'll have to be dealt with eventually, but how long until that happens? and what happens along the way? The possibilities are always interesting to think about. Anyway, I still haven't mentioned the other reason I like the phrase 'The Elephant in the room'

Why is it an Elephant?

I do get it represents something unusual that everyone can see but wont necessarily comment on it. But if you think about it, wouldn't say a tiger be just as good an animal to use? In fact that could indicate that there's potential negative effects to ignoring it, cause if yo ignore it for long enough it could start chewing on your arm. Or something more unusual like a whale? That will die if you don't acknowledge it and it would be very unusual because, in case you haven't noticed, those sons of bitches belong in the ocean. Who decided that an elephant would be the best representative for something unspoken that's lurking nearby? Hell it doesn't even have to be an animal. It could be the serial killer in the room. Maybe the choice of representative for the unspoken knowledge is trivial but I still think it's interesting, is it purely just a random animal? Try telling someone there's a bear in the room, rather than thinking there's some unspoken thing, they'll be looking over their shoulder wondering where the fuck the bear is.

And to be fair,
An elephant takes up a lot of space...

E

Student vs Xbox = Fail

2011-04-14T23:31:00.000+01:00

So after a good 2 and a half year run, my second Xbox 360 finally gave up the ghost. You might think that the thought of a dead Xbox is nothing major, and at first glance it's easy to think that way, but for me when I look a little deeper at it, the possible consequences of that little gaming console dying are pretty widespread. Now bare in mind as you read this, that I'm a student, so I've got zero income. My Xbox is important to me, I played it pretty much every day (I assume part of the reason it's now dead) aside from movies/TV shows, it's my main source of entertainment. So when it dies, it needs to be replaced. Unfortunately, a new Xbox 360 costs close to €200 euro, that's €200 I don't have and have no real means of getting any time soon. Before the Xbox died, the little money I was getting was all going to having some semblance of a life. The odd visit to the cinema and such. Now with the Xbox having died, every little bit of money I get has to be saved for that. That means no cinema trips, in fact no trips anywhere really because even coming across money for transport is getting pretty hard now. If I was a complete loner it would be fine, but I have an amazing girlfriend that now I wont get to see as much because I just wont be able to get around as much. So on top of being miserable because my Xbox has given up, I'm more upset cause it's having a bigger effect on my life. It's just a bit of fucking technology but it's taking over my life. Fuck this noise...

E

2010-11-24T23:49:00.002Z

2010-11-13T17:03:00.002Z

battlela-tlr1_h720p.mov

http://trailers.apple.com/movies/sony_pictures/battlela/battlela-tlr1_h720p.mov

The way things change...

2010-09-06T17:56:00.001+01:00

So two years ago, I was in a really crappy place (mentally that is, geographically I haven't moved) I honestly didn't see any hope for myself, didn't even think I had a future (Not sure I wanted one to be honest). I don't know if I deserved to end up where I was at the time, but because of the way I acted towards the people that cared about me, I certainly got what I deserved. Looking back at it, I'm kind of glad I felt the way I did because I was putting people through hell and not even realising it. So you could say it was pre-emptive karma. I suppose you could see it as a vicious circle, I felt like shit, made people feel like shit and felt like more shit as a result... And on and on... For the kind of person I was back then, I never deserved to get out.

That's what's so weird... Because..

I did.. I got out..

I still can't say what exactly started it. I think it was really just having everyone walk away from me. That impact plus now having the time to sort things with myself probably helped to get things going in the right direction. After a little while I started a new college course and that really perked me up. Actually gave me hope. I started to believe I belonged here and that maybe, just maybe I deserved to still be alive. It's kinda hypocritical of me really. I had a life I didn't want, and came THIS close to ending on god knows how many occasions. And then it picked up and suddenly I had a life I didn't want to waste. That was only a first step though. Yeah I was out of that 8 year long rut of depression, but I had burned bridges along the way. That's my biggest regret. I fucked up with people I truly gave a crap about, people who never deserved to be put through that. I had to at least attempt to put things right. I'll never be able to fix the damage I did but I at least want to make sure that I'm the best person I can be now, I guess I see it as some little chance at redemption. At least, that's how it started. Now? I'm not so sure. Now I'm actually loving life. I'm really enjoying being a better person and being a positive influence on the people in my life.

Right now? Things fucking rock. I've done well in my first year of college, I've lost over a stone and a half over the summer, I'm nearing the end of my first feature length script, I've got an AWESOME girlfriend (who I absolutely don't deserve and feel so unbelievably lucky to have her but I am also not gonna fuck it up either). Things are great, I feel fantastic. I'm happy, I'm positive and I can actually see a future. I'm moving forward and trying my hardest not to look back. Yeah I have regrets from my past, but I'm sure as shit not going to make any more. My life is now like poker in a way. I'm all in and I'm not gonna regret it.

Horribly positive,
E

6 Down.. 36 to Go

2010-06-15T13:00:00.000+01:00

So in my first 2 weeks I've lost 6 pounds. It's pretty much what I wanted to achieve. So if I keep it going at this rate I'll have lost close to my target by the end of the 3 months... Which would be great. I wanna lose at least 3 stone... Maybe more if I'm feeling good about it by September. I'm hoping by the time I go back to college the weight loss will be really noticeable...

E

World Cup vs Exercise...

2010-06-14T13:34:00.000+01:00

So with the World Cup in full swing I've been finding it harder to fit in my walks. 3 matches a day doesn't leave a lot of time. Today I'm waiting for the final whistle in the first match and then I'm out the door. I should just make it back for kick off in the second game of the day. I'm contemplating whether to make my lunch now and cook it when I get back or to wait. I suppose it would be nice to be able to stick on the toaster as soon as I get back in the door. I've 45 minutes to figure it out. I've got a couple of my lovely coated chicken breasts thawing for my tea. They be yummy. First weighing is tomorrow, it'll either be exciting or disappointing. I think 4 pounds or less and I'll be disappointed, between 4 and 6 would be decent enough, anything more than 6 would be phenomenal. Personally I'd like some good news when I step on the scale, would help motivate me for the next couple of weeks...

E

New layout for a new me...

2010-06-13T18:01:00.001+01:00

So I decided to change the design of the blog a bit, personally I think it looks nicer... There's no more panda though... Everything else in my life seems to be improving so I figured I'd improve the look of the blog to suit. It's quite strange having things good for once. Hopefully it'll continue... God knows how long I'll have to keep this diet going to lose the weight I want to. First weighing on Tuesday (the 2 week mark). I won't be surprised if not much has changed as it takes a while for it to all kick in. Hopefully I've lost something though, will make the past 2 weeks that little bit more worth it. Only time will tell...

E

Edit:
There's a new Panda... Seemed kinda Bear without it :p

E

Becoming more attentive...

2010-06-10T12:55:00.000+01:00

So I was looking in the mirror today and realised my stretch marks on my stomach have gotten pretty bad. I just pretty much coated my belly in bio-oil, it's this stuff to help reduce scars and stretch marks. God knows how or even if it works, but it's worth a try I thought... No doubt my stretch marks will get worse as the weight starts to come off. I just hope I'm not left with horrible wrinkly skin after this, would make me look worse than I do now. Can't decide what to listen to on my walk today, can't be any of the bands I've listened to already. Hmmm. I dunno...

E

Walking Music

2010-06-09T19:52:00.000+01:00

This is what I've been listening to so far on my walks in order.

Slipknot - Volume 3
Rammstein - Mutter
Metallica - S&M
Immortal - Sons of Northern Darkness
Devildriver - The Last Kind Words
Stone Sour - Come Whatever May

Milestones to lose stone :p

2010-06-09T19:35:00.000+01:00

Never underestimate the power of goals or milestones. It's much easier to focus on what's in front of you than what's way off down the road. That's why I'm treating every week on the diet as a small victory. Rather than trying to save it all for 3 months time, I'm focusing on getting through one week, then the next and so on and it works. It's kinda strange thinking positively about things like this, there was a time not too long ago when I didn't think positively about anything! At least things are turning around though.

E

Week 1

2010-06-08T23:28:00.000+01:00

Well I've been going a week. Feeling fine. Apart from the initial withdrawal from caffeine everything has been alright. Forgot to have lunch today as I was a bit rushed, had a chocolate bar which helped with my energy levels. Obviously there's been no physical difference this week and there probably wont be for a few weeks yet. Hopefully it's working though.

E

7 Days

2010-06-07T18:47:00.000+01:00

It's pretty much a week in now. I'm feeling... Fine.. I wouldn't say I feel a whole lot healthier or better... I certainly don't feel bad though. Still another week until I weigh myself, although I must remember to take another set of pictures tomorrow morning. In an attempt to make meals a bit more exciting I've decided to make some cajun breaded chicken. Cajun spices mixed with brown breadcrumbs coating chicken breast steaks covered in egg. :) Got my walk down to 40 minutes at this stage, that's 5 km in 40 minutes which is pretty cool. Around 7.5kmph I'm walking at. I even did my walk in the pouring rain today, that's commitment. Going to the pub(not to drink, to play darts) tomorrow. Then going to a footy match in the evening, last til the end of the month as the world cup is on. Gonna pick up Bad Boys on blu ray tomorrow. Ah things are good.

E

Another day...

2010-06-05T14:51:00.000+01:00

Decided seeing as it was Saturday that I'd talk a break from walking... So Saturday is going to be my designated relaxation day. Watch the darts at the moment drinking diluteable lime... Makes it easier to get water into me that way, tap water is kinda horrible here. Just had a toasted sambo for lunch.. Gonna have some bits of pork for dinner tonight. Feeling good.

E

And it's on and on and on....

2010-06-04T12:21:00.000+01:00

Day 4. Feeling fine. Don't really feel any different to how I did before but it's nice that the aches and pains from the first 2 days are gone now. I'm off up to Dundalk later today so my walk has to be done earlier than usual, I hate changing my schedule. On a walk related note, today I'm going commando haha. Figured it might help stop the chaffing, knowing my luck it'll just make it worse, we shall see. Oh and something strange I noticed this morning, I only have hair on half of my legs, like only on the inside half of them. Strangeness. Gonna mess around on the xbox for a while before lunch, then it's walking time, then I'll only have 15/30 minutes to relax before it's off to Dundalk. Least I'll be kept busy I suppose.

E

Day 3

2010-06-03T15:18:00.000+01:00

Sitting here eating a grilled chicken breast and drinking water. I'd say that's pretty damn healthy wouldn't you? Haven't felt any aches yet today but I haven't gone for my walk so that could aggravate things again. Thankfully there's a tiny bit of cloud cover today that'll hopefully make it a little cooler. Gonna switch to shorts as well to keep my temperature down. I got really hungry, or at least I really craved junk last night. So that sucked. But yeah aside from the horrible detox pains on Tuesday it's going well.

E

Coming down....

2010-06-02T12:10:00.000+01:00

So as it turns out the human body can have quite an adverse reaction to it being deprived of the caffeine it's used to. And boy did that hit me hard last night. Around evening time I started getting a slight headache, which slowly got worse and then spread to aches all over my body. I decided it was time to try sleep it off. I'd say 2 minutes after my head had hit the pillow I was off to the toilet to throw up. I was hoping that after I had gotten sick that the pain in my head would lessen. It didn't, in fact my entire body started sweating and my temperature started fluctuating. I felt so rough. Thankfully a friend of mine gave me a call and while it didn't really lessen my physical pain, it was still such a relief to have them there to talk to. After talking to them and sitting up a while longer I was finally in a position where I could lie down without my body wanting to purge. I never expected I'd have such a bad reaction to stopping drinking the coke. Apparently it's going to get worse as well. From what I've read, today will probably be the worst of it. While I feel pretty OK now I can still feel the little niggle in my head just waiting to get aggravated. The next few days are going to be soooooo much fun. Note the biggest sarcasm you'll ever hear. But, all for the greater good right?

E

And so we begin...

2010-06-01T15:08:00.000+01:00

First day of my diet today... Handily I weighed exactly 19 stone this morning, according to my scales... So it'll be easy to see a change in it... Still undecided whether to check my weight every 2 weeks or every month... Everything seems fine so far... I'm sure after my walk my body will start wondering what happened to all that sugar that I'd usually have in my body... Enjoying a 'lovely' bottle of water now :p Gonna start writing my script this evening after my walk... Hmm, what should I listen to while I'm walking... I should get through at least a whole album... I think I'll probably listen to Slipknot, in memory of Paul Gray... What album though? I'm leaning towards Volume 3... Think I pretty much made up my mind while writing this eh? Not sure how often I'll write one of these... I'll do one at least once a week.. But maybe more...

E

Giving it one more try....

2010-05-24T18:16:00.000+01:00

So, after dragging myself to what I consider a better place to where I was the last few years. Mentally that is. I've figured it's probably time to try and sort out my physical health as well. I dread to think just how overweight I actually am but it's quite a bit. I'm lucky that I carry my weight well enough and while I'm a big guy I'd like to think of myself as not being one of those horrible fast people you see in Disney land and such. I've tried this whole weight loss thing before but I really just couldn't cope with it as my mind wasn't in the right place. Now that I'm feeling a lot better in myself I figure it's the best time for me to try and take action. So the plan is this, I'm going to get rid of all the crappy, unhealthy food I eat and start daily exercise starting June 1st. I'm going to at least keep it going until September 1st but I'm hoping that once I get to there it'll be much easier to just keep going with it until I lose enough weight to not only improve my physical health but to try and up my confidence in myself as well. I've been looking over calorie intake and all that stuff to try and figure out what I need to maintain my current weight and to work out how much I'll be cutting my calorie intake in the next few months. From what I've been able to work out I require a little over 3000 calories a day to maintain my current weight. Getting rid of the Coke I drink alone will reduce that by over 600. I'd like to try and at least halve my food intake as well which could cut at least another 500 calories a day, add onto that more exercise to burn more calories. From what I've read, each pound of fat contains 3500 calories so to lose a pound you need to cut that much from your diet. So say I manage to cut 1000 calories a day from my diet, I should technically be able to lose 2 pounds a week. Obviously life isn't as easy as that, that's all just numbers. I'd love to try and cut 100lbs from my weight. That's a hell of a lot but I feel it's necessary. If the numbers were to work out it would take roughly a year to achieve that. It's all about how much I want it really. There's no quick fix to a problem like mine. It takes some hard graft and I'm sure I'll feel the strain from all this but I'm absolutely sure that all the effort would be worth the final result. On a side note, while I'm doing this I think I might do one of those 'picture a day' things. Maybe I'll take 2 pictures of my body, front on and side on, every day for the duration. It would be interesting to see the progress. As for weighing myself, I think I'll weigh myself June 1st but then I'm not going to check it again until September. If I can resist it. It's gonna be a tough old journey, but hopefully I can stick to it.

E

Paranormal/Paranonsense!

2010-03-23T01:33:00.003Z

The world of the Paranormal has always been one that's interested me quite a bit. I grew up watching shows like Unsolved Mysteries and The X Files which no doubt helped ingrain this interest as I grew. As with anybody who takes more than a passing interest in this particular field of thought, I've formed my own opinions about what exactly might be going on. A few years ago those opinions would be significantly different to how they are now but it's the present we're interested so that's what I'm going to talk about.

I'll start with the ever loveable "Little Green Men" a name which itself is just a media invention. It would be a bit naive to think that a species that evolved on a planet billions of light years away from Earth would have evolved to look similar to us. It's a comforting thought to see these 'aliens' as humanoid in nature. Helps us feel more open towards them. It would be easier to feel safe in the thought that we're being visited by these little humanoid beings than it would be if they were basically walking sharks mouths with 6 legs and no eyes. The idea of Earth being visited by 'aliens' is one that's been around for a long time, it's actually rather surprising that people don't feel more concerned by that thought, reasonable bunch that us Humans are.

The problem with the idea that we are being visited by these otherworldly beings is this. It's 2010, the internet is a massive global entity and cameras are EVERYWHERE these days. Optics have been steadily improving since they were invented and people all around the world are more tech-savvy than ever. YET! We have next to NO evidence that UFO's,Aliens or Abductions actually exist. It would be pretty ridiculous to believe, at least in my opinion, that UFOs are real yet have avoided showing up in pictures and videos as anything other than small lights in the distance. There are people around the world who dedicate their lives to getting just that evidence that have so far come up empty handed despite the massive amounts of technology that exist today.

Now, that's not to say that 'alien' races exist. I firmly believe they do. With the vast expanses of space that we know of, it would be pretty narrow minded to think that Earth is the only planet with the conditions to host life. It's even possible that by some extreme coincidence, somewhere in space is a planet just like ours with creatures just like us. The reason we haven't heard from them or had them show up? The exact same reason we haven't come knocking on their doors yet. We just haven't got the technology yet. But to think 'aliens' exist and are here despite there being no evidence whatsoever is just ludicrous.

There was a lot of talk late last year that 2010 would be the year governments around the world would unveil the existence of 'aliens' to the world. There are several arguments against that. Firstly, there are so many different countries and governments around the world it would be extremely unlikely that the 'big' countries would be the only ones visited by 'aliens' and also that the smaller countries would feel so content or to waste resources covering it up. Secondly, the cover up. You wanna know why the government isn't going to come out and admit that 'aliens' are here? Because there's nothing to admit. How many times have governments said that 'aliens' aren't here yet people just yell 'cover up' any time they do. Just accept it, they're not here. Lastly, Even if they WERE here, the 'big' governments in the world wouldn't be that keen to announce it to the world. For all the people who call for it to be admitted, the majority around the world couldn't take it. It would have come out long ago if it was true though. Nothing better to drive the world towards peace than to unite them against a common threat.

Now, 'aliens' and 'UFOs' aren't the only idea scuppered by the emergence of accessible technology that we now have. Probably the second most popular are of the paranormal suffers from the same debilitating lack of evidence. Ghosts!. So many people claim to have seen them yet any photographic evidence, of which there's not a whole lot, is the same blurry nonsense we get fed from the UFO enthusiasts. Now the difference between UFOs and ghosts.. Ghosts are at ground level. There's not going to be very far away or you just wouldn't see them. Yet despite the massive amounts of people who claim to have seen them, is there even one clear photograph that could even be considered real? The reason you don't see them in photographs is because you don't see them at all.

If they existed we'd simply have the evidence in this day and age. Almost every mobile phone that's made these days has a camera attached yet people "amazingly" seem to have "misplaced" them every time they "see" a ghost. Yet people do and will continue to try and pass off blurry images as ghosts and UFOs to try and garner some attention. It's the age of technology and there's no more excuses for not having evidence of these occurrences.

Golden Globe Predictions...

2010-01-18T00:52:00.002Z

Best Pic - Drama = The Hurt Locker - Avatar.. What a crock... Hurt Locker pisses all over Avatar
Best Pic - Comedy/Musical = The Hangover
Best Actor - Drama = Jeff Bridges
Best Actress - Drama = Gabourey Sidibe - Sandra Bullock
Best Actor - Comedy/Musical = Robert Downey Jr.
Best Actress - Comedy/Musical = Meryl Streep(J&J)
Supporting Actor = Christoph Waltz
Supporting Actress = Anna Kendrick - Mo'nique
Best Director = Kathryn Bigelow - James Cameroon.. Smug cunt...
Best Screenplay = District 9 - Up in the air
Original Song = Avatar - Crazy Heart
Original Score = Up
Animated Film = Up
Foriegn Language = Das Weisse Band
TV Series - Drama = House - Madmen
TV Series - Comedy = 30 Rock - Glee
Mini Series/TV Movie = Into the Storm - Grey Gardens
Actor - Mini/TV movie = Chiwetel Ejiofor - Kevin Bacon
Actress - Mini/TV movie = Jessica Lange - Drew Barrymore
Actor - TV Musical/Comedy = Alec Baldwin
Actress - TV Musical/Comdey = Tina Fey - Toni Collette(How do you spell her name?)
Actor - TV Drama = Hugh Laurie - Michael C Hall
Actress - TV Drama = Anna Paquin - Julianna Margulies
Supporting Actor - TV = Michael Emerson - John Litgow
Supporting Actress - TV = Jane Lynch - Chloe Sevigny

Why is it so early?

2009-11-25T09:02:00.002Z

I only got 2 hours sleep last night... I'd like to say it's because I was working on some big project or whatever. But alas, I had already finished any work that needed to be done and just plain couldn't get to sleep. I honestly spent most of the night thinking about aliens after reading some BS article on the net. It's an interesting subject when you get the right person to discuss it with. There's a thin line between believer and nutjob conspiracist. The premise of the article was that in the comin weeks, the US government was going to reveal the existence of extraterrestrial life. Once you read more than two paragraphs of the article you would realise it's complete bullshit but the thought is intruiging none the less. Imagine the implications if something like that was announced to the world... I'm pretty certain the whole world would lose its shit in a split second. Even I don't know how I'd react to something like that. On the one hand I wouldn't be surprised but also I would be a little uncomfortable in the thought that they've been around, no doubt watching. You know, how close would you have been to them without knowing?

E

Duty Calls....

2009-11-08T20:20:00.002Z

So in two days, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 will be released to the market and I shall be picking up my copy on Tuesday afternoon on my way to college, which will make for a fun class waiting for it to end so I can get home and start playing. On the downside I'm in college early on the Wednesday so I probably wont get a whole lot of sleep so an editing class and a scriptwriting class will be torture. The game does look amazing though, I can't wait to play the level where you take control of a terrorist and have to gun down civilians in an airport, I'm also looking forward to the shit storm the media are going to whip up when it's released. So that will be a nice experience on top of college at the moment. College is going well enough, I'm looking forward to writing my short screenplay, should be pretty dark but hopefully engaging to. It's something to keep me occupied now that the football season is over, we managed to avoid being relegated in the final game of the season but it didn't matter as Derry got thrown out of the league the next day. Now it's time for 3 odd months of off season antics as the FAI try and short out this joke of a league. It'll be interesting to see how it pans out. Almost time for House and Fringe, some nice Sunday night TV.

E

College Video

2009-10-29T16:09:00.002Z

Moss green or forest green?

2009-10-24T18:45:00.002+01:00

I'm sick... Not majorly sick but enough for it to be pissing me off... My throat hurts, my nose hurts and my god damn chest hurts from coughing... Hasn't slowed me down though, I haven't missed any college because of it. On Wednesday I actually submitted my 3 screenplay ideas for my Scriptwriting class. I'll be whipping out a first draft of one of them by Christmas so that's good. It's great actually looking forward to going to college rather than dreading it like I used to. So yeah it's all good. A strange thing I noticed walking to college from the bus the other morning, I actually feel a hell of a lot better the last while...

E

Story ideas...

2009-10-18T21:11:00.001+01:00

I need to come up with 3 ideas for stories by Wednesday... For once my mind is pretty blank... I do have one tiny bit of an idea.... Hmm I dunno

Soon, it begins...

2009-10-03T17:45:00.002+01:00

Well, I start classes in my new college on Monday, thankfully I'm not in until 1 in the afternoon so I don't have to get up ridiculously early. I'm genuinely excited. The registration day was strange, at the start everyone was just standing around in silence until one girl said something and then I replied. Then for most of the rest of the day it was only really me, her and another girl that said anything. I was probably the most social person there which is a big change for me, I usually hate the social thing but new college, new start... Time to try new things. I'm in a very small class. There's a Chinese guy and a Fijian in my class. Oddness. Don't think I'd ever met someone from Fiji before then. Hopefully I'll be good at the new course and subject. It's something I have a huge love for so it'll certainly hold my interest. I have to start an 'Idea Book' which I'll basically just stick all my creative ideas into. Yesterday was a fun day, I got up early because I had to go vote on the Lisbon Referendum. I voted No, but as it turns out most of the country voted Yes. Then we went to play golf. I'm really bad at golf but managed to improve my score from last week by 16 strokes so I was proud of that. Just watching lots of football today... There's two matches on at the moment. Yup, multitasking haha. I really need to clean my room, it's dangerous to walk around it at night in case of falling over crap on the floor :p Anyway I should finish this before whoever might be reading gets bored ;)

E

A new beginning..

2009-09-28T13:13:00.002+01:00

So, I've got the registration day in my new college tomorrow. Just a week until I start classes. I'm excited. It's nice being excited about something, it doesn't happen very often. Looks like I might have a few days of college stuff this week, registration, course introduction, group activities etc. I'm hoping there'll be some interesting people in my class... We'll see....

E

Who's reading the blog?

2009-09-27T22:27:00.002+01:00

It keeps getting views but who are you? You can leave anonymous comments ya know... You don't have to be registered to leave one... So whoever's popping by should try comment and let me know ;)

E

Ah shite!

2009-09-13T23:56:00.001+01:00

My Results

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Narcissistic	\|\|	10%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
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Someones Observations

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Is it any surprise?

2009-09-08T17:58:00.002+01:00

What do people actually expect of me? Am I supposed to be level headed? Am I supposed to be happy? I don't understand any more. It seems that nothing I do is good enough for anyone any more. It seems I'm expected to be happy and positive and glad to be here. Do people really not know me? I can't get my head around how anyone could be surprised that I'm a manic depressive and I'm unstable and suicidal. That's me. That's how I've for a long long time. It's what life has turned me into. Maybe I shouldn't show my emotions to people any more. It's as if they come as a surprise. You know what the worst thing is? A year or two ago I made a decision to try and be more open with people I care about, because I was so closed off. But now, it looks like I have to crawl back into that hole. I have keep my emotions to myself as people just can't deal with them. I wish I didn't have to but I've no other choice...

Turning a corner?

2009-09-02T17:16:00.002+01:00

So there's just over a month until things start to change for me. I'm starting a new college course, a Diploma in Media(Moving Image), basically it's all to do with movies and TV. I'm genuinely excited about the course, it's something I have a huge interest in. I'm hoping this course will give me a chance to exercise my creativity and really get me on the road towards what I would love to do in life. A month or two back, I made a decision, I was going to try and get onto this course and if I did, I was going to try my best to turn all aspects of my life around. If I didn't, well then I was done. I meant what I said so come next month, I take my first steps in a new direction in my life. Hopefully a happier and more positive life. Right now I'm not even exactly sure what's going to happen or when but it will happen. I said I would and I'm not going to back down from that. This course is a huge opportunity for me so I'm going to make the most of it and make sure I'm in the best frame of mind I could be. So with a bit of luck during the next two years, my creativity will shine through and everyone will be able to see things I have created. It's amazing I've actually gotten this far, without a couple of close friends I wouldn't have got through the last few years. I don't even know if they realise how much I appreciate what they've done for me. If they don't I'll make sure they do down the line. This could be the start of something amazing....

Low point...

2009-08-27T23:26:00.002+01:00

Everything is up in the air... I feel terrible... I'm expecting things to get worse soon. The only thing that is good at the moment is a friend with whom I've been having problems anyway... Guess it's good that it's settled down now because without that I wouldn't get by... My moods are still as volatile as ever... I don't think it's good for someone to know me... I'm a disappointment...

Fuck it...

The Plan

2009-08-24T12:50:00.001+01:00

Step 1: Complete

Step 2: Complete

Step 3: Complete

Step 4: Soon

BELIEVE

2009-08-18T00:34:00.001+01:00

The times they are a changing...

2009-08-13T02:49:00.002+01:00

I'm beginning to feel like a different person. A few months ago I'd have told you I haven't changed much in years. But I'm beginning to see that I have. Some things have stayed the same, the moods and the depression are unfortunately a constant with me. Also the fact I can't avoid taking my moods out on other people is something I've been stuck with for a long time. Someone asked me about that recently. They asked if I did it to anyone else. It reminded me of how similarly I was treating them compared to someone from my past. I know I should do that, I shouldn't treat them like that and I do try to avoid it as much as possible but occasionally my emotions take over and before I know it I'm treating some I really care about like shit. I hate myself for that, some of the lowest points of my existence come from how guilty I feel when I do it. You would think that would make me stop doing it, but the truth is, I can't help it. There's times where I am just controlled by my emotions. I can't imagine it's a healthy way to be. In the past I was the same way with someone else, another person I cared immensely about but also looking back had a bit of a dependency on. So eventually all that shit resulted in that friendship falling apart and me not feeling the same way about that person again. In a way that's a good thing, I think I needed to change things in that friendship but I didn't realise when it happened that it would have such a colossal effect on how I felt about that person. That's not to say I hate them or anything, I still love them and still care about them a lot but they no longer hold that place in my head that would make me drop anything or anyone to talk to them. It sucks that it happened, it hurts sometimes. The problem is... Why is it happening again with someone else? Why can't I seem to prevent myself from fucking things up with people? No wonder I'm lonely. I seem to drive the people I care about away. You know what, just typing that last sentence made me realise a lot about the reason for why it happens. I'm doing exactly what I said, driving the people I care about away. Why? Less people to disappoint. In everyday life and with something quiet specific down the line. I'm not really doing it consciously, it's just been happening. So I suppose you could say I'm not an asshole by choice, it just kind of happened. I wonder if that explains my whole personality? That it's designed to keep people away from me. It's a double edged sword though. It makes me feel like shit. The guilt and the loneliness. So what do I do about it? Piss and moan in a crappy blog. At least we're getting somewhere though. We've concluded I'm a tosser that doesn't deserve anything good from anyone. People should stay away from me and anyone that's close to me should get away from me as soon as possible.... I should deal with this stuff on my own, not drag anyone else down...

Eden

2009-08-01T03:31:00.002+01:00

Eden is underway. The story has been in the works for the last while and I finally got around to getting the script started today. Already 3 pages in. The story layout still isn't finished but I've got some of the major set pieces figured out. I'm looking forward to writing some of the scenes. It's nice to feel enthusiastic about this project. Hopefully it'll be a joint project with one of my friends, I'll be sending him what I've got done when he gets back from abroad. Am hoping to have 10 or 15 pages done by then. Then I'm hoping he'll make some changes and we can set to getting it together fully... It's fun being creative...

The truth in things....

2009-07-19T03:59:00.002+01:00

Why does it take alcohol for people to say things? Am I being unreasonable in thinking that something that's said when someone's drunk is less honest then normal? My friend told me they loved me tonight (as a friend, before anyone jumps to any stupid conclusions, frankly if a chick actually felt that way about me I'm pretty sure people would be ice skating in hell) The thing is, I know it's true, I know they do love me BUT even knowing that it still feels disingenuous. It feels like they'll only really express it when they're inebriated. Sometimes it feels like they're ashamed to say it or afraid to say it when they're sober. I guess that's why I take things that are said to me by drunk people with a HUGE grain of salt. Because it's happened in the past were someone has said something(including the person that lead to me writing this) have said something that wasn't true, or that at least they said wasn't true one they've sobered up. Why can't people just be honest with me without drinking? Is that too much to expect? Give me a bit of respect and say things under your own influence and not the drinks...

Last Hoorah...

2009-07-18T04:41:00.004+01:00

Everything must come to an end. It's unavoidable, a constant. There are many different paths between a beginning and the end. Paths of varying length and difficulty. Everyone wishes they took an easy path, and some have. But for most there are obstacles to overcome and challenges to take on. And sometimes, there are paths so twisted and difficult they are impossible to overcome. It gets harder and harder to keep on going, especially knowing inevitably you'll get to a point where there's nowhere else to go. You'll be standing at the mouth of a cave, staring into the abyss. You know where it leads, you know you're not coming out. So take a deep breath, let out one last hoorah and then embrace the darkness...

Destruction....

2009-07-17T00:51:00.002+01:00

Emptiness. Is there anything worse? I start to get pretty desperate when I stop feeling anything for this world. I'd prefer to feel hate or anger, but nothing... I almost think I should force myself to feel something. Not emotionally but physically. I've spent the last while thinking of new ways to do it. More ways to inflict damage upon myself. I don't know if the regular fix can pull me out of it this time. So the question I have to ask myself is 'is there something between the regular fix and the full stop?'. I dunno, maybe there is. To be honest I'm surprised I've gotten this far. My mind is starting to nag me for painkillers. It's been a while. It's a bit of a contradiction really, on the one hand the idea is to finish things but with the painkillers, it's not immediate. It would take a few days. I guess that's the thing about them. It's the thoughts that it would be over soon. You could probably say I got lucky they haven't killed me already, but lucky is subjective. Lucky would suggest I still want to be here. Do I? It's getting harder and harder to find something to stick around for. Sometimes I can't find anything. Right now I just don't see a reason for sticking around. Am I procrastinating about this? It feels like I am. My mind seems fairly set but always at the last minute something distracts me. I don't know why I'm prolonging the agony. I'm not contributing anything to anyone so there's no reason to waste oxygen and other resources for someone who might need them. Someone needs to have a future right? What will tomorrow hold for me? Maybe nothing, guess we'll find out soon....

At night...

2009-07-14T04:31:00.002+01:00

Night is the loneliest time, it's my fault, if I slept like normal people do I'd be awake when they are and wouldn't spend my nights alone thinking about this and that. But alas, my body seems to have something against a regular sleeping pattern. It's been getting to me tonight, just a little while ago I ended up standing in one spot in my room. In a daze. When I snapped out of it all I could think of was slipping again, even though it's only been a couple of days. It seems to be escalating, I'm getting more easily triggered, or maybe I just want it more. I guess my mind has been getting darker the last few days. Maybe it's because I've had a little more time on my own. No distractions. But that would be a contradiction, because I've no focus. I can't even keep the same mood for more than a couple of hours. I think I've been flying off the handle quite a bit recently. Maybe I just want someone else to feel what I feel. I wish I had someone to talk to. Not someone who offers advice and then gets offended because I don't follow it. Someone who will listen to me and wont judge me, just offer some comfort. It's a combination of two things really. People I wont talk to because in all honesty they don't care what's going on with me and people I wont talk to because I don't want to burden them. Maybe it's hoping a bit much that someone will notice there's something wrong and take some time out to talk to me. I think people prefer the simple chit chat rather than actually having to put their mind and emotions into something. So all I can do is write what's going on here. And I guess even if no one reads it at least I'll feel in someway like I've got something out... Although it's little consolation anymore...

In dreams...

2009-07-11T22:09:00.000+01:00

What's dreamt in life,

Endures in death,

A failing once my own.

I saw my reason,

Cleft in two,

One path was all but worn.

In solemn dark,

Thoughts traipsed a mind,

My shadow ameliorates.

What dreams you say?

A descried hope,

To feel what others live.

A life in dream,

Abstaining death,

Is this too much to yearn?

I know my reason,

But is it fair,

To want the facile path?

Peer up from dark,

And grasp for more,

My shadow holds on taut.

Have I dreams,

Or am I lost?

Cast into this destitution.

The River

2009-07-09T16:36:00.004+01:00

A place in time,

Shall never go away from me,

This space is mine,

But alone isn't how I like it.

Sitting still,

It always feels so good to me,

Not solitary,

But still away from the world.

It's somewhere to turn,

A place just for us,

We know where to go,

To watch the river flow.

In sun and in rain,

It never fails to be there for us,

Not hidden away,

But yet a quiet comfort still,

It means so much to me,

I only hope you see it too,

When we're in despair,

We'll head there in our minds and see.

We know where to turn,

It feels right to be there,

Not everybody knows,

The river always flows.

The river flows for us.

I gave up...

2009-07-08T02:03:00.000+01:00

So today I got hit pretty hard with a bad mood out of nowhere. I was going to see my friend, I should have been happy but I literally got more and more irrate and desperate. My mind sank to abysmal lows, physically I could feel the depression coursing through me, it even affected my breathing. I saw what little worth I have in this world and in one moment, one little trivial thing, I gave up. I was done. Spent. I just about dragged myself to a seat and put my friend through what I can imagine was a long long uncomfortable situation where I just sat staring at a tile on the floor while they struggled to know how to comfort me. But you know what? They stuck by me. They tried to pick me up. That one person, that one person who doesn't seem to ever give up on me. Makes me feel special. I'm sure they treat any of their friends that way, but I still appreciate it so much. I tried to put on as brave a face as I could today, which really only amounted to trying to hide the fact I was crying at times. But they stuck by and managed to drag me out of such a terrible low point. I know it wont last, I know I'll inevitably slip back into the really deep depression and maybe eventually it'll take it's final toll. But that one moment, where they didn't give up made me realise how great a person they are. Maybe they don't think it themself but they are. I love them for that. I'd hope they know that as well. Maybe I could do a little more to show it. But just let it be known. I feel it...

The beauty of distraction....

2009-07-06T17:52:00.000+01:00

Well, I have to say, today I've been feeling better than the last while. I think things turned last night, I talked to my friend last night, only for a little while, but it was a nice pick up. It was good to smile even though things had been off between us the last while. So after they went to sleep last night my mind got into creative mode. I started thinking about the scripts I had been neglecting recently, and started coming up with new ideas. It's a nice little distraction, while my mind is centered on creativity and molding those new ideas, it doesn't have as much time to delve into the negativity that's ever present. I know the mood wont last, it never does, but I'm trying my best to enjoy it while I can. Maybe I'll get to talk to my friend for another while, she seems to be the only one who can make me smile right now. I can feel my physical strength draining right now, I can't understand why. I've really done nothing today, so it's strange that I should feel so empty. I don't like being in this state though, I'm too weak. It wouldn't take a lot to topple my mood. My focus is already slippling. Hopefully it just stays as a physical thing and I can keep my mood at a level I can bare. But what are the chances of that?

Drained...

2009-07-05T18:33:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling particularly drained today, both physically and emotionally. I felt so awful lying i bed last night, there was some bad thoughts running through my head. Maybe if I had been feeling a bit better physically those thoughts may have come to fruition but alas they did not. I'm not tired, but my body barely has the energy to hold my head up. I'm watching TV but my focus is slipping every few seconds. As usual no one is talking to me, you would think I'd be used to it at this stage. It's bad when the only person that will talk to you is someone you avoid talking to as they inevitably make it worse because they always bring the converstaion back to them. At least there's darts on tonight. Always fun to watch so the day isn't a total loss. Hopefully someone will get bored soon and decide talking to me would be a good way to occupy themselves. But it's unlikely, I'll just sit here and slowly descend into the usual shitty mood...

It's getting worse...

2009-07-04T22:37:00.001+01:00

It seems like the people I consider my friends have given up talking to me. If I want to hear from anyone I have to text them. Why? It's not like I don't text back. Unlike my 'friends' I CAN actually bother my arse to text people back. And not only that but text them back as soon as they text me. None of this waiting half an hour between texts. I guess it just shows I give more of a shit about people then I get in return. I don't even bother trying to talk to any of my friends about any problems I might be having because I know 1) They're totally unreliable and 2) They don't really want to hear it anyway. It's funny, I'm in such a bad place right now that I could really use the support of my friends but it's like the further I slip the less and less my so called friends wand to do with me. It's not like I even want help, I just want someone to take the time to have a conversation with me. I don't think any of my friends could ever find an occasion where I turned my back on them when they needed someone. But it seems it's just not good enough. I'm obviously not worthy of having people return the effort I put into them. But it's not like I need it right? It's not like I'm hanging on by a very narrow thread or anything. Most of my friends probably don't even know there's anything wrong because they wont take the time to talk to me. At the moment my closest (and I use 'close' very lightly) male friend, only ever talks to me about movies, I know it's a topic I enjoy but jesus christ. I've more to my personality than that. And my closest female friend right now, well, she's just keeping up appearences really. I doubt it's intentional but she texts me just enough to rub it in that I'm not worth talking to. I have no faith in my friends anymore. It's like they don't want me around. Maybe I should take the hint.

Enter nothingness...

2009-07-04T16:48:00.000+01:00

I don't have anything particular to say right now, I'm just bored waiting on food so I figured I'd write a random blog. Going to a Pats match tonight, taking on our Dublin rivals Shamrock Rovers. Always a hostile affair. Our team is fucking woeful right now so I wouldn't be surprised to see us lose 2 or 3 nil. I AM however looking forward to getting to the chip van in the ground. It's sad that I'm looking forward to that more than the game. Tonights game is televised on Setana, or whats left of it. We tend to be hot and cold in televised games, our last televised game, against Bohemians we ended up winning 3-1 which was a shock result. So tonight should be entertaining at the least. Certainly more entertaining than now, theres tennis on tv. Fucking tennis. Will be heading out in half an hour or so to the pub, even though I wont be drinking, before the game. Have to get the bus into town and then the LUAS out to Inchicore. God knows how many junkies and foreigners will be on it. It seems sunny out, hope it's not as hot as yesterday, that would suck. Hopefully it'll have cooled down by kick off anyway. The game tonight will be a nice outlet for some built up anger. Maybe I'll feel better after it, depends on the result I guess.

In hatred I trust...

2009-07-03T16:15:00.000+01:00

Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's just who I am but as time goes by I'm beginning to hate things and people more and more. Everytime I'm in a crowd I just become overwhelmed with hatred for the human race. Most of these people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce, it would be better to just eradicate them from the gene pool altogether. The IQ level is plummeting, I honestly don't know how these people manage to get dressed in the morning they are so insanely idiotic. Look, I'm young and I hate children with a passion but seriously, some people need to learn how to look after and control their kids. I was in a supermarket today and turned the corner to walk up an aisle and there was a kid just sitting on the floor. How can any self respecting parent ignore their chilren like that? I hate the little bastards but even I know that's just ridiculous. And when I was leaving the carpark from the aforementioned supermarket, what did I see? A mom driving a jeep turning in, with a young kid in the front seat and a baby in the back seat, ON THE FUCKING PHONE. They need to bring in a law where anyone caught using a mobile phone while they're driving has their license removed, their car destroyed and whatever arm they use to hold the phone removed from their body. It's these kind of morons we need to remove from society as quickly as possible. I've got about as much respect for people like that as I do for junkies. Why does the government keep giving them money? Dig a big pit, put them all in, and set them on fire. No one will miss them and the country would be better off. And these are the people who are reproducing the most, people who are too lazy to get out of their pyjamas just to go to the fucking shop. I'm not just ragging on the scum of this country, even people I care about annoy me at times as well. People who text you and when you replying don't say anything back for half a fucking hour. WHAT WAS THE POINT IN FUCKING TEXTING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE? Is it just pity? Do you feel you have to because I'm so pathetic? Seriously, if my friends put as much effort into me as I do to them, I'd be far far better off than I am now. It's bad enough living in a country filled with such miserable human specimens, it's even worse when the people you care about treat you like shit even though you would make time to talk to them and be there for them at the drop of a hat. Maybe you might think I have too high standards. I say FUCK THAT. People just don't actually care as much as they pretend to. I dunno why they do it, maybe they like to appear to be someones friend but when it comes down to it they have far better things to do with their time. I don't have a single friend I can rely on, not one. All I have is people that will talk to me when it suits them, but when they've got something else going on, I'm disposable. And people wonder why I don't want to be here anymore? THAT'S why...

The Solution...

2009-07-03T00:52:00.000+01:00

Sitting here, in the dark, the only light is coming from the screen of my laptop. I see it illuminate the scars on my left arm, you would think the first thought to run through my head would be of how they came to be there, but instead I've become so desensitized to it that all I can think of is "They look cool in the dark". There's not a lot more I enjoy doing then lying in bed on a stormy night, running my fingers over the scars on my arms. It's a nice reminder that I always have an escape, I always have something to turn to, something more reliable than any person could ever be, something I fear I may never be able to cope without. I suppose it may be hard for a normal person to understand how I got to this point, I couldn't blame them. It's not exactly the smartest way for someone to deal with problems, but it's one I've been using for seven or eight years at this point. What caused me to start? Boredom. The first time I ever harmed myself, I was sitting in Maths class in school. I had my compass on my desk and because I had nothing better to do I started carving the word DIE into the top of my hand. It hurt, but it was also kind of a rush. Maybe a week later, in a similar situation, again bored in school. I decided to repeat my previous work on a grander scale. This time I carved the same word into my arm 3 or 4 times the size of my previous effort. This time, it wasn't a rush. This time, it just made me feel better. It took my mind off school and all the pressures that come with it. I guess it was at that point, unbeknown to me, that I had found something that would prove very valuable to me in the future. It wasn't too long after that day, when I got into one of my deep depressions that had been becoming more and more regular, that I figured a good way to take me mind off it was to hurt myself again. But the idea of the compass didn't appeal to me anymore, I needed something more, something better. I ended up breaking apart the blade of my razor and pulling out one of the thing blades. I don't recall there being any hesitation, there was something all too comfortable about the first time a razor blade cut into my skin. It hurt, god did it hurt. But once the blood started to flow, I just embraced it. The pain was the distraction, it took my mind off my problems. I must have done 15/20 individual cuts that first time. I did them all quick so I could spend my time watching the blood drip off my arm into the bathroom sink. I let it go until the flow finally stopped itself. The sink resembled some sort of murder scene, but I was feeling much better. It was a couple of weeks until it happened again, I slipped into another depression but knew this time I had a way out of it. I all too gladly pulled out the same blade I had used previously and went to work turning my arm into a fleshy jigsaw puzzle. Unfortunately, it was only beginning. It started getting more frequent and more aggressive and even more desperate. I stopped taking the time to remove the single blade from the razor blade, instead I just broke the end of it off so there was now two jagged edges of blades sticking out. The cuts were deeper and took longer to heal. Sometimes it would take weeks. I started cutting every day. Over cuts I had done the previous day. I sunk to my worst low when one day I got the urge and all I could find was a broken piece of glass off the ground and proceeded to cut myself with that. The more it went on, the less it hurt. It became less about pain and more about bloodshed. The comfort was no longer hurting myself, but the feel of the blood slowly running down my arm. It's warmth was better than a loving embrace. It became the only thing I could rely on. My family hadn't a clue what was going on. I was doing it for 4 or 5 years before my parents found out about it. For those 4 or 5 years, I couldn't wear t-shirts. I always had to go long sleeved, 1) to stop my parents from seeing the scars/cuts and 2) to stop people from judging me if they saw them. I felt like a freak, I still do. But there's not many a feeling that can top how I feel when that blade breaks the skin. Even now I can hear the sound it makes when the blade tears the skin. It almost sounds like it's ripping through fabric. When I'm cutting myself, nothing else matters. I'm in a place where nothing can get to me. The blood covers my skin and embraces me like a lover. It's perfect. If only it lasted. The high quickly fades. And all the thoughts that made me do it in the first place come flooding back. It could be anything that causes it. A fight with a friend, an embarrassing moment, feeling alone, feeling rejected, feeling unwanted. The fact my parents don't seem to care, the fact I can't turn to my friends, my physical appearance, my social ineptitude. And the fact that a lot of the things that make me do it were all caused by the abuse I suffered when I was a child. It damaged me beyond repair and nobody knows that's what made me this way. God knows what people actually think caused it. It's been getting harder recently to stop myself from doing it. Every time I stop myself from doing it when I feel I need to, makes me think of the other option that would stop me from feeling the emotional pain. The two aren't connected really, apart from the fact they accomplish the same thing, just one is long term and the other isn't. I've come close. I've had that blade on my wrist. I just need to find the courage to press down and drag it. It almost feels like an inevitability to me. Makes me feel bad for my friends. Especially a friend I only made a few months ago. I don't think it was fair that I allowed them into my life only to have them possibly experience what I can only imagine is a pretty horrific situation. Sometimes I feel like I should severe ties to avoid hurting them. The only problem is that without them, it would just accelerate things. I really feel like there's only one outcome, the only variables are time and the people I hurt. I need to sort those things out.

Getting to know myself...

2009-07-02T20:17:00.000+01:00

So, I had a strange conversation last night, not a strange subject or anything like that. It just made me realise that maybe I'm not as plain as I thought I was when it comes to certain things. I always thought of myself as pretty straight forward and simple when it came to my tastes but, recent events have made me think that maybe I might enjoy some more 'out there' things. Now to be fair, it's not my fault this came about, someone suggested something new to me, I thought it was a cool idea and I went with it. Only to find that it's pretty damn awesome. So I guess that got me thinking about trying different things and as my mind went to work some pretty suprising stuff came forward and I found myself thinking "Where did all this strange stuff come from?". I suppose even if this stuff came up in the past I would have just kept it to myself but I'm in a more comfortable place where I can discuss these things with someone. And for the most part they seemingly HAVEN'T wanted to injury me because of it. As far as I can tell anyway. Maybe they do, maybe they're thinking "this guy is a lunatic" but I'd like to think they don't :) There seems to be a lot of things I'd like to try. Hopefully I'll get the chance at some point. I'm glad my minds in this place at the moment. Always a fun way to be.

So it begins...

2009-07-01T14:42:00.000+01:00

Another day, another struggle to find a reason for carrying on. I was pretty happy the last while and now it's fallen apart. I'm back to shifting between moods far too quickly. I guess it's not all bad, recent events have made me clearer about certain things. A little personal growth you could say. So it's at least a little positive in amongst a lot of negative. The bad dreams have started again, last night I dreamt about being slowly choked to death with a cable wrapped tightly around my throat. I don't know if I did it myself or it was someone else, but I could feel it, I felt it like it was actually happening to me. These dreams make me wonder if there's something really wrong with me subconsciously. And physically, well physically I've been feeling pretty weird recently too. The energy crashes have returned and my insides are starting to act up again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I need a pick me up, but it's not gonna happen. I've been thinking about my scars all day, I don't really know why. And a random thought, I miss being on cam to my friend on skype. We did it a lot for a while but haven't in ages. It was always fun. Hope we get back to it at some point. I know that was out of nowhere but there ya go, I have weird stuff on my mind sometimes. Let see, today so far we've had Suicide,Death, Self Harm, Transformers, My friend, Sex, More sex, More depression, random skype thought... etc etc etc....

My mind is odd....