So two years ago, I was in a really crappy place (mentally that is, geographically I haven't moved) I honestly didn't see any hope for myself, didn't even think I had a future (Not sure I wanted one to be honest). I don't know if I deserved to end up where I was at the time, but because of the way I acted towards the people that cared about me, I certainly got what I deserved. Looking back at it, I'm kind of glad I felt the way I did because I was putting people through hell and not even realising it. So you could say it was pre-emptive karma. I suppose you could see it as a vicious circle, I felt like shit, made people feel like shit and felt like more shit as a result... And on and on... For the kind of person I was back then, I never deserved to get out.
That's what's so weird... Because..
I did.. I got out..
I still can't say what exactly started it. I think it was really just having everyone walk away from me. That impact plus now having the time to sort things with myself probably helped to get things going in the right direction. After a little while I started a new college course and that really perked me up. Actually gave me hope. I started to believe I belonged here and that maybe, just maybe I deserved to still be alive. It's kinda hypocritical of me really. I had a life I didn't want, and came THIS close to ending on god knows how many occasions. And then it picked up and suddenly I had a life I didn't want to waste. That was only a first step though. Yeah I was out of that 8 year long rut of depression, but I had burned bridges along the way. That's my biggest regret. I fucked up with people I truly gave a crap about, people who never deserved to be put through that. I had to at least attempt to put things right. I'll never be able to fix the damage I did but I at least want to make sure that I'm the best person I can be now, I guess I see it as some little chance at redemption. At least, that's how it started. Now? I'm not so sure. Now I'm actually loving life. I'm really enjoying being a better person and being a positive influence on the people in my life.
Right now? Things fucking rock. I've done well in my first year of college, I've lost over a stone and a half over the summer, I'm nearing the end of my first feature length script, I've got an AWESOME girlfriend (who I absolutely don't deserve and feel so unbelievably lucky to have her but I am also not gonna fuck it up either). Things are great, I feel fantastic. I'm happy, I'm positive and I can actually see a future. I'm moving forward and trying my hardest not to look back. Yeah I have regrets from my past, but I'm sure as shit not going to make any more. My life is now like poker in a way. I'm all in and I'm not gonna regret it.
Horribly positive,
E
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